I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
