I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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