so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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