Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My balls are so social today.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
