I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
