ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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