I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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