The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
