I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
birth control should be required to get into college
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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