My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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