I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize