So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
