how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
