You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
