'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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