I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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