I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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