Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
