Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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