She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
false alarm. still invincible.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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