I think scott just propositioned me for sex
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
