he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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