Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
