There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
my shit smells like andre
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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