Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
