false alarm. still invincible.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
