Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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