Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She swung at the pinata with crutches
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
