A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
