Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
