Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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