All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
