Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
