matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
