There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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