I'm really into asian looking animals
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
