i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
