I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
