Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
