It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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