one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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