i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Randomize
