so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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