I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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