hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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