I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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