Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Randomize
