I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I think I sprained my soul last night
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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