my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
