If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
