so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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