I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize