I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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