He had one of those small greek statue penises
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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