her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize