apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
