i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
