...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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