...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize