I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
